Tremble in terror, liberals -- take two
For we must not take them lightly. These are the legions that carried their leader to victory by the landslide margin of negative-almost-three-million votes. These are the warriors who, in an epic battle destined to live in human memory alongside Stalingrad and Okinawa, liberated the Malheur bird-sanctuary visitor kiosk from the grip of the mighty United States and defended it for forty days despite crippling shortages of snacks, socks, and actual opponents to fight. These are the iron-willed partisans with the valor and resourcefulness to spray-paint backwards swastikas on things in the middle of the night and phone in anonymous bomb threats to synagogues across America. The Mongols, the Huns, the armies of Saladin and Alexander -- all pale to insignificance beside the forces arrayed against us today.
So hark! Soon you will hear in the distance the rumble of millions of knuckles dragging, the crunch of Cheetos and paint chips being ground asunder between dentures, the roar of vast battalions of Medicaid scooters, the ominous swish of teabags cutting the air as they swing from the hats of our enemies. Soon you will see the sunlight glinting on an endless sea of made-in-China red caps, shining upon misspelled signs beyond counting, revealing an army of aroused, determined, purposeful humanity (well, imbecility) such as the world has never before witnessed. Doom is nigh.
Update (4:11 PM Pacific time): Just checked Breitbart and it's as brimming-over with lunacy as ever, but not a word about the rallies. Looks like another pathetic fizzle.